701. JUST BECAUSE THAT “ARTSY” PHOTO OF YOUR FRIEND IN A FIELD MADE IT TO FLICKR’S EXPLORE DOESN’T MAKE IT LESS UGLY OR MORE ORIGINAL.

697. THE BACKSTREET BOYS DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE, WHERE YOU’RE FROM, WHAT YOU DID, AS LONG AS YOU’LL BUY TICKETS TO THIER COMEBACK TOURS.

653. KEEP CALM AND CARRY MACE.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE 1918

618. FORGET KESHA: BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH A BOTTLE OF TOOTHPASTE, WHEN YOU LEAVE FOR THE NIGHT ORAL HYGIENE SHOULD NOT BE MISPLACED.

610. WAITORS ARE NORMALLY TOO BUSY WORKING TO SPIT IN YOUR FOOD.

591. DON’T BE ASHAMED OF WHAT YOU DID FOR A KLONDIKE BAR

591. CANADA MAY NOT HAVE A LARGE ARMY, BUT THEY HAVE MOOSE HUNTING GUNS, HOT TIM HORTONS COFFEE, LUMBERJACKS, AND ANGRY HOCKEY PLAYERS WHO ARE NOT AFRAID OF LOSING MORE TEETH. DO NOT INSULT CANADA.

585. YOU ARE NOT IN A DISNEY MOVIE: RANDOM OUTBURSTS OF SONG AND DANCE ARE NOT NORMAL HERE.

580. INSTEAD OF POSTING YOUR BRA COLOUR ON FACEBOOK TO RAISE SOME DUDES GENITALIA, MAYBE YOU SHOULD RAISE MONEY FOR BREAST CANCER RESEARCH INSTEAD.

559. THAT HOT BLONDE YOU’RE STALKING WILL LOSE ALL SEX APPEAL IN TWENTY YEARS WHEN HER METABOLISM SLOWS AND HER BREASTS MAKE A RUN FOR HER ORTHOPEDIC SHOES: PERSONALITY > APPEARANCE.

544. 18 HOLES WAS NOT ENOUGH FOR TIGER WOODS

543. TIGER WOODS’ FAVOURITE SEASONAL CAROL IS “I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE MISTRESS.”

506. A THESAURUS IS NOT A NEWLY DISCOVERED DINOSAUR.

499. SCANDALOUS WOMEN FROM AGES 16-29: PUTTING ON A TON OF GLITTER WILL NOT ATTRACT MEN. THEY DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU ARE THAT MUCH CLOSER TO BEING A “VAMPIRE”.

482. WORKING OUT FOR FIVE MINUTES DOES NOT JUSTIFY YOU EATING TWO BIG MACS AND DROWNING YOURSELF IN A TRIPLE THICK MILKSHAKE.

480. IF THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP IS ACTUALLY FOLGERS IN YOUR CUP, THAT IS NOT NORMAL.

452. DO NOT BEFRIEND BOYS/GIRLS WITH SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. YOU ARE SETTING YOURSELF UP TO BECOME A HOMEWRECKER.

451. YOU CANNOT GIVE YOURSELF A NICKNAME WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE A JACKASS.

450. FIFTY CENT WASN’T ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CANDY.

449. THOSE STUPID FLASHING CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON YOUR HOUSE ARE NOT ENJOYABLE IN ANY WAY AND COULD INDUCE SEIZURES.

448. TALKING TO YOUR CHILD LIKE AN IDIOT IS PRETTY MUCH SETTING THEM UP TO BECOME AN IDIOT.

430. HER MILKSHAKE DID NOT BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD: HER BREASTS AND SLUTTY DEMEANOR DID.

424. NOBODY CARES THAT YOU FOUND A LONELY BLACK SHEEP ON YOUR FARMVILLE. STOP PUBLISHING THOSE STORIES.

409. DEAR ATTRACTIVE WAITSTAFF: INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ABOUT GETTING HIT ON AT WORK, FLIRT BACK, GET EXTREMELY HIGH TIPS AND BUY YOURSELF NICE THINGS.