A much needed Awakening

i wish there was a way to find away to stay awake. i wish there was something that i could do here (either then running) that would keep me inspired. the second i feel the warmth and the wind against my skin, i begin to feel a surge of energy and ideas. but, every other time, i'm closed up, i can barely express anything- sometimes not even how i felt about the day. it's like i have to shut everything off to deal with being here, quite literally, a hibernation. it can be frustrating to be quiet, to be without a voice when you really need one,because it's not something i can turn of and turn on instantly. but it's been like this for years now, i've been dormant. it's how i stayed with manboobs, it's how i dealt with school and actually attempted at it a few times.i've always found ways to break out, unknowingly what it was at times, through photography, or through actions, or ideas for the future. it would never be something i could turn on. but the most frustrating and unfair part about all of this, is that the voice that intrigued you so much all those months ago hasn't made many appearances since then. and i understand that there's so many things that are yet to unfold,coming from both of us, and yes, we simply have scratched the surface, but theres so many things that i want to do for you, to share with you, that i can't. i'm not sure where im going with this, but lately i've been an emotional wreck, in the sense i have an abundance of emotions when it comes to you (think how melodies and desires affects you, somewhat of an awe, because the way we are with eachother, even so minimally, is beyond exquisite), and the second i could find the words to express whats on my mind, i think its completely necessary to let you in on it. it feels like i should pick up a few more languages so i could find a proper word, or a phrase to complete my thoughts. i wish there were a camera to capture the things i see when i look at you. i wish the world could hear the songs you sent me, because i don't think they've really listened to it.. i need to continue to strengthen my body, so that when we are finally in a bed together, any expression that comes from within can be tolerated (because i have a feeling the things we want to do to eachother wont always involve pleasure, but sometimes, a wonderful type of agony) i hate making excuses and letting this place get the best of me. i hate that it still can get me, and that i've let it get to me before. i need to begin an awakening, a permanent one, and let this place do its worst to me. i'll let it annoy me. i'll let myself get angry. i'll let the emotions take a hold of me- because at least when i finally get out of here, there will be no confusion of what it is i want to do. there will be no period of hesitation, or exploration when it comes to what it is what i want to say. i'll have tons of energy that's been built up from months of anger. right now, i'm blocking it, but now i think it's time to utilize it in any way possible. i'll finally be able to do exactly what i've been wanting to do this whole time- and soon it will be quite clear to me, i'll make sure of it and even if things aren't completely understood, (because perhaps inspiraton will come from observing, and living, and even learning of the new things i haven't seen yet) at least i know i can handle something as excruciating as being in a cage, and i'll be much stronger because of it. and naturally, one thing thats been my priority, and will continue to be, is you and i, this summer, in a bed, for days putting the world on hold while we devour.