Why does everybody HAVE to insist that i'm really still the grade. 8, Jenn, (yes, people make themselves want to believe I havent changed since then) despite the fact that I clearly grew up. Why does everybody love the old jenn, but not the new one? Two of the people who love the most (and also have known since grade 8) keep telling me, "oh, let the old you come out again, your blinded by the new you".. WTF, do people never change? When I was in grade 8, perhaps you weren't such a bastard. SUCK ON THAT. It just upsets me knowing they couldn't love me anyways. At least I got to see the one person who knows the me- now- last night, and I must say, that was definitely relaxing and comforting. The weird thing about this- is that people have been saying this to me for years. Did you love me in grade 8 when I extended myself to pretend I gave a shit? Did you love me when I was at home, drinking, hating myself? See the picture above? Thats me at school, drunk. All the pictures you love about me- you don't know the story behind. You don't know what I had to deal with when I was dating my boyfriend, and you don't know how I lost so much weight because I was scared- for several reasons. You didn't and you dont know everything about me, and you never will, because your all wound up in the past. Did you know that everything I said to you, was just a call of help? Not so much of a joke, but more of a cry. Do you still love the old me? I definitely don't.
7/31/09
Ps. I have a lot to say today.
Oh, did I tell you?
A lot happened with friends last night, so I guess I never told you how wasaga beach went. Turns out, my parents took me to my grandmothers to get ice for the cooler. (LAME FAMILY VACATION!) and then my grandfather decided to tag along to get dropped off at my uncles cottage right by wasaga. So we all went, and turns out my cousins were there, a girl, 7, and a boy, 11. So, we ended up eating lunch there, and then I took my cousins for a walk near one of the beaches. (with my dog too) I took sammy swimming, (he hated it) and then we walked around and went back. When we got back, my mom took us to beach 1, where all the kids my age or older go to party, and I went swimming with my cousins. (I swam so much, im sore again) and then I walked around (hoping to be by myself, but my adorable 7 year old cousin has the cutest puppy eyes ever) while holding her hand the whole time. (Totally not a way to meet people.) Anyways, I bought them a freezie and then later on an icecream, and that was my day at wasaga. I think i'd be a cool mom though, much better then mine. I would have stuffed them up with food, then bought them an ice cream, and a toy of their choice. I think I'd spoil them rotten. (Bad mom?) Whatever, I'm a good cousin then...BAH I STILL CANT GET THE MANSON DREAM OUT OF MY HEAD. SOMEBODY HIT ME IN THE HEAD SO I CAN GO IN A COMA. NOOOOOOOOOOW. :(
I pray my lfie was just a dream.
So last night I was listening to manson religiously until I went to bed. My subconscious (and definitely conscious) desires for him definitely got me all worked up.
The thing is, is that I had the most depressing dream of him last night. (Although, nothing was depressing about the dream, the only upsetting part was that I woke up..)
I wish I could have went into a coma and stayed there forever- but regardless, Me and Manson happened to be dating. It all started when I would be near a carnival (I was around one yesterday) and then I managed to see his office (idk?) and then I went inside what looked like a normal office (for whatever reason). I went inside, and he was there. (I don't know what he looked like, I only saw the black hair, no manson makeup or anything.) He said he's been reading my mind through a ring he was wearing. Anything I said or did, he would know. He then gave me this ring, so that I could talk right to him. (It happened to be a plastic, keyboard type thing, really odd) So then I went on a few carnival rides with him, a rollercoaster or two, and then we went back inside to his office where he showed me his new album. It was extremely pop, it reminded me of lady gaga, but it was still fucking amazing. (I cant believe I remember it.) He then had all of his band merchandise, even with black skinny jeans, that were ripped all down the back of my leg, exposing a bit of my but.) (I remember looking in the mirror because i actually love those jeans now) and then I just walked around his store, and he wasnt there. I went inside his actuall home (behind his office? and his office actually had buisness cards that said "Marilyn Manson".. I remember this all quite vividly) So I went into his home, and he told me he loved me, and there was nobody else, and I believed it. (He wasn't lying or anything, teehee) And then the scene changed, and everything dissapeared. (I think I woke up, I probably heard something)
I then got really depressed and I think I may have whispered" NOOOOOOOOOOOO". So then i forced myself back to sleep, and I was searching for my long lost love. I ended up finding im in jail, and he told me he knows everything thats happening, and we'll be together soon (Im wearing the communicative ring in the dream still). So I kept trying to get close to him, but then I wake up again. I once again force myself to sleep, and I find myself in a school, where boys are breaking things, and beating eachother up. (I watched an interview about manson saying he'd pick on himself if he was someone else) but then I found him as he re-inacted a childhood memory I read about (in his autobiography), and then I talked to him, and told him, please, stay, meet me at (insert an illegible, and unheard of location) and we can be together. (I told him basically to go into a different memory, and I would find him. It reminds me of the time travellers wife.) So, as I was preparing to surprise him in his memory, and make everything romantic (I was gathering flowers, and confetti, and sparkly things.) (Symbolizing, well, you know) and then, as I was ready to go into the next memory, I woke up for the final time. It feels so real though, maybe he'll reach out to me and the concert and marry me on stage. *sigh.
FML.
ps. I think I need to get laid.
7/30/09
Freedom, if only for an hour
Going to see my friend
I'm getting out of here, now
Without authorities knowing, im getting out of this house
old lovers never forget
and i promised i would not be coming back the same person
...
I'll keep dreaming, not another word sweetheart, nothing is perfect. (But it has to be someday)
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
...
I know your my best kept secret. (Best kept away)
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
...
If I die, and go to hell real soon, it will appear to me as this room. For eternity I'd lay in bed, in my boxers, half stoned, with the pillow under my head.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
How's it going to be?
Is it normal to see your impending doom, imagine it? I keep picturing this car rolling over several times. Peculiar? I'm on my way to wasaga now.
Jnssa stoma
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
7/29/09
Tired, or what?!
I could fall asleep so fast right now. I haven't eaten properly nor acted my usual lazy self (outside of swimming. while i'm at the pool, i take advantage of it) (i could thank one person in particular for that....asshole)
Turns out i'm probably going to wasaga beach tomorrow, which im definitely looking forward to. I cant wait to swim in real water for once this year, ill probably just float around and have fun, give myself a sand/mud bath, and then tan for the rest of the day. I think I look great in a shade of beaming red. (well, not really, i have a base tan, so i wont be red, perhaps, orangy red. ;D)
Regardless, today was pretty lame, woke up really really late, and accomplished nothing. My friend apparently wants me to sneak out tonight, but I highly doubt that will occur. (Random?)
Oh hey! I think im going to take a bath, with candles. Perhaps listen to an album I was reccomended, talk about relaxing, huh?
you take me everywhere babe, starting from my inferior and superior vena cava, to my right atrium, through my tricuspid valve that leads to my right ventricle, through my pulmonary semi lunar valve, to the pulmonary trunk, to the right and left pulmonary veins, to the left atrium which then goes through my bicuspid valve, then into my left ventricle, and then through the semi -lunar valves that lead to my aorta, and all around again.
jnssa stoma
At work :(
Don't waste your time on me.
(Your already the voice inside my head)
Jnssa stoma
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network
You know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you
I wonder, does she remember my birthday? Does she think about me from time to time?
Is she even alive?
I don't mind you keeping me on pins and needles
It's been a very eventful day or so. I feel sore as hell, (i've been jogging and swimming quite the lot) and I just found out I have to work at the hall this weekend. (Since i haven't been there in two weeks, more soreness! (I have waitress arms)) Hopefully its a wedding, usually those are the easiest and the best. If its a random fundraiser or something, ill cry. Whatever, at least its not a stag. *shudders* I hate men in large quantities, i always feel watched. Its very very uncomfortable. I also just cant wait until I get out of highschool. blah.
I also feel like doing some photography, but i just realized i have to do report cards for the kids i teach at the pool before 4 a clock. DMNDNSKFNSKFN. Ill add more later :)
7/28/09
don't worry
i can still feel you here.
i have something for you, by the way
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/note.php?note_id=85219819813
(i knew you were coming)
now that i know your here, i can sleep at night
even though my body aches for your touch
your deeper in me then you'll ever know
7/27/09
Something to Share
Disclaimer: This is pretty graphic, but it's one of the best short stories I have ever read. I absolutely ADORE it.
Narcissus Narcosis by: Devo
There was once a man who looked in the mirror and said:
"This form is repulsive."
And so he took it upon himself to change it. He injected himself with certain psychedelics until his arms bruised black and his veins scarred hard and the blood boiled in his heart and he could feel no pain. And one day he gazed again upon his reflection, wreathed in all the living colours of hallucination, and he said:
"What I see is beautiful, but its beauty is unreal."
And thus knew that he must wreak further changes upon himself. By now, he needed to constantly use the drugs he had begun taking, for fear that his strength would fail him, for fear that he would never see his dream fulfilled.
So things continued as they had before, and one day he came to pass the mirror, and set eyes upon his own metamorphosis. His skin had faded to grey transluscence, mapped by scarred roads among dark abcessed caves amid the sharply visible spires and arches of his bones. And over and amid all this a river flooded, gushing red from the most recent puncture on his arm. He saw this and was awe-struck, and was possessed by the spirit of inspiration. The spirit guided his hand and mind as he opened his skin in a myriad of wounds and rejoiced in the colour that painted him. He cut slits in his scalp so that the blood would stream through his hair, and with this he was able to colour and set it into crimson tendrils that flapped wetly against his back.
This in turn inspired him to self-flagellation with a many-tailed whip festooned with hooks and razor wire. He scourged his back and body until his flesh was layed open and bleeding over much of its surface. Then he had to rest a while, the whip grown slippery with blood as tears and sobs of joy blinded his eyes and wracked his body. It was as he administered an increased dose of those substances which gave him the strength to carry out his Great Work that he was next inspired.
Through his cheeks he cut slits, and became drunk on the blood that poured down his throat. Through the tissue of his legs, his chest, his genitals he thrust steel wires, which he left protruding as gleaming streamers and spikes. Through each lip he passed fish-hooks, and with wire and knife he re-shaped his ears to a form more pleasing to his eyes.
When at last he came to crawl and drag himself before the mirror (for he had in the joys of his labour quite forgotten its purpose for a time), he gasped to see himself. He would not have known the vibrant red and glorious vision before his eyes as that vile insipid thing he once had been. And yet, whilst beautiful, his work was not complete.
Again he grasped a blade and sliced open his forearm, passing through tendon, vein, and artery, exposing bone, until at last, with blurring vision, he was able to gaze upon his reflected self and think:
"This has been made beautiful,"
and then died of loveliness.
One brain, mark it up
I have the song from Repo stuck in my head now, (hence the title) and I also feel like watching it. Unfortunately, ill be working from 1-9, pretty much, so its going to be a shiteous night. Hopefully nobody drowns at the pool, I don't feel like getting my hair wet, even though its as terrible as can be. Speaking of my hair, I need a haircut, I currently loathe my current style. Just a random fact.
Either then that, ill be creating a playlist tonight for ram, (for now, thats your nickname, until i come up with something better) and currently, im just uploading some new stuff on my deviantart. I guess I don't have too much to say, and ill get introuble for that, but my thoughts don't really come out of me like they used to. Ill probably add in a post from my phone at some point from the pool, so, at least youl get something in quantity, despite the lack of quality. Thankfully, I dont have these hours everyday, so at least I can catch up on reading and movie watching I need to do that was reccomended to me.
ps. for a good laugh, google, "charlie the unicorn" and watch parts 1 to 3.
Its absoloutely creepily hillarious. :)
Inspired by the Devil
It's odd to say, but i'm going to try blogging again. I was inspired by a friend, not the devil (he should understand the reference, to a certain degree) to start up a blog, and hopefully I can commit. Since I can email stuff from my phone to this thing, its more convenient. I work a lot, unfortunately, and either then that, I suffer from writers block usually until something inside of me forces its way out. I cant write for fun, for beans. I keep saying beans because I just watched 'the ugly truth' tonight, and during it, gerald butler, or whatver, says, "Do you flick your bean?!" do Miss Heigl, or whatver, and now I cant get it out of my head. Cute movie though, really..er, true.
So today? Today was ordinary at best, I mainly added some photography to my deviantart, and theres still more im waiting to add up. The thing about dev. i don't like is that only four are featured, and usually people don't care to look at the rest after my first four- which is lame of them, but thats how things usually work. Jeez, this blog is a fail, its totally lame and useless. But thats probably what itl be used for. Myspace is for insightfulness. Perhaps both.
Anyways, this is just some stuff you might enjoy:
www.stoma1037.weebly.com and www.boyinhisbed.weebly.com
(photoessays/short stories a la jenn)
Ps. I'm probably going to post a lot of these through my blackberry. They'll probably be short, sweet and random, so im only going to post pictures during formal posts. Savvy?
