Nostalgia

* Just an old blog I thought was appropriate to how I feel now. My old blog is http://jennn00.spaces.live.com/


June 04 2006
How do you make time fly?..

You know, i cant even put everthing im thinking right now down.. on a peice of paper.. or an entry.. too much is happenign.. i cant keep upi with my life anymore.. i havent been so uncommited to my space in my life.. its pretty terrible because i love this thing- it helps me everytiem i need to express something. So, here i go..because i need it this tiem.. really.

Its crazy how much i have changed this past year.. this time last year, i was wearing TNA, had long hair, didnt know the meaning of love, and my mind was totaly narrow, and sane. Now, i cant stand tna, i consider my shoulder lengnth hair long, and my eyliner and music is my life- not to mention- im totaly insane. I really miss my friends.. some of them dont even talk to me anymore, or we just dont connect like we used to.. should i blame that on who i am now? shouldnt i have changed? .. was it really for the best? im not sure.. all i know is that im not the same person.. nobody recognises me anymore, and i find it really scarry. My mom doesnt even understand me anymore. beyond anything, shes scared .. she wants me to be normal. a few months a go i woulda spazzed out on her, told her she was an idiot, whatever.. but i see her point..i just dont wana stress her out. But what i am makes me feel great.. im not sure what to do anymore, maybe ill never be the same again...i knw for sure that i cant go back to the old jen who wore TNA. i think id kill myself first.. [no offence].. its just something i wouldnt do anymore- or couldnt do anymore. Its jsut too painful to wear sometihng for brand perposes now- i know better then to go along with the propaganda.. “The burden of originality is one that most people don't want to accept. They'd rather sit in front of the TV and let that tell them what they're supposed to like, what they're supposed to buy, and what they're supposed to laugh at.” --marilyn manson ... i just cant do that anymore.. now that i know its all an act.

But, to make me feell better, ill let you in on all my guilt, my regrets, my doubts, my thoughts, and of course, what i really wish for. All i really want is to have what i had two years ago. What i did didnt matter, what i wore- i didnt care- i just needed to look presentable, and i was alright. i didnt think for a second i would be labeled, i would be looked at the wrong way- or i gavce someone the wrong impression. Now, i do. Grade Seven, i did. I went to the extremes each time.. i just dont understand why i do that.. i just wana not worry.- not worry to not worry- just automaticly shut down the worrying, with out worrying about it.. savvy?.. I just cant beleive some of the things i did this year..i met so many amazing people. Since January, i made 3 new best friends, and a totaly amazing nerd. [fausto:P]. So much freaking happened since January, and i have gone through so much since then. Scariest part is that it hasnt hit me that i am who i am- it just wont settle. I wake up every morning not knowing what im going to wear- [i wear to my moods] what im going to act like, weather or not im going to be a help- or a maniac. It gets nerve racking you know? always needing to plot things out..always needing to worry, so you can go to amc with your boyfriend.. needing to plot out your next weekend with your friends that your mom doesnt know about- and worst of all, hiding all your feelings from the people you care about the most so you wont worry them. I knwo all this isnt something you expected, but ill tell you right now, im nto being totaly open with you guys ebcause i dotn know how to. heh, it hought i couldnt explain my feelings then! its worse now!.. and just warning you... if you ask me whats wrong at the end of this, ill tell you nothing. i know it.. so ill tell you right now: im under so much stress, im havingso many mood changes, and im sick of so much bullshit, it hurts. but, in the words of Friedrick Nietzche, "what does not kill me, makes me stronger"

ugh. the nerve of some people. getting mad at me becuase im not in a good mood for them, that i cant be cheery and hyper and entertain them!. i think thats fucking bullshit. im SORRY i have stress to deal with. SORRY i have emotions either then cheeryness. SORRY im worried.

24 days left of bosco. do you have any ideas how that feels?.. ive beenthere for 10 years.. and now im leaving.. bosco is what made me the person i am now- the friends i have now.. the lessons ivve learned are scary. i cant explain how im going to feel at grad.. all i know is that i shouldnt wear makeup.. ill be balling.

how am i going to feel when i walk through bosco the last time? What the fuck am i going to do?.. How am i going to react when i realize things are starting to change- my lifes going to fly by now.. im growing up..im not going to be able to fight about who stole my pencil anmore, im not going to be able to steal lolas formt he survery, or slack of in class, or write things on the chalkboard when im not supposed to.. im not going to laugh there anymore, im not goiung to cry there anymore.. im nto going to be there.. itl just be a memory& it pains me to let go. this is history.

to finish things off: I cant wait for bressani. im starting a new life, im going to look at things differently, im going to maek and lsot friends, im going to fail, then work twenty times harder to redeem myself. Im going to make mistakes, im guna learn, and im going to live.

cheers.